Lookit here! Let me entertain you

As I said the other day, I’ve been putting virtually all my efforts into thinking out of the box when it comes to marketing. I’m concentrating on the book that’s already out, The Breast of Everything, because…well (a) it’s already out and (b) you’d figure it wouldn’t be that difficult to come up with crazy ideas for promoting a book that’s about a talking breast.

[mantra-pullquote align=”left|center|right” textalign=”left|center|right” width=”33%”]Here’s my first brilliant plan.[/mantra-pullquote] It’s not all that imaginative, but it matches so well with the book that it seems irresistable. All I have to do is get myself on television and have a wardrobe malfunction!

Since my Mom keeps begging me to do it, I thought I’d try out for Jeopardy.  But then I realized this made absolutely no sense. Jeopardy is prerecorded. I needed to get myself on LIVE tv.

I decided to go after the low-hanging fruit. It’s easy enough to camp outside one of the morning shows for a day or two. I put together a few pasteboard signs with things like “Queens loves Al Roker!” and “Sam will always be my Champion!” on one side (it’s the weather anchors who are always trolling the outdoor groupies) and a giant blowup of the bookcover on the other. And I made up a break-away t-shirt to wear over my fanciest bra.

There was no point in even trying to do this on a rainy day; so naturally, as soon as I was ready, we had a string of them. That was followed by a disgusting heatwave. There should be health warnings about camping out on asphalt when the midnight temperature is still 88 degrees Fahrenheit. If it hadn’t been for my friend T__  dragging downtown every few hours with two gallons of Poland Spring to throw over me, I don’t think I would have made it.

Anyway, the Queens thing got me a hug from NBC’s Roker, but as soon as I flipped and ripped (flipped the sign and simultaneously ripped of the t-shirt), they cut away to the map and a security guard hustled me off the property. The next day, I tried ABC. I managed to flip the sign, but they had me by the elbow before my hand got anywhere near the shirt. What is this? Is the word “breast” on the NSA watchlist or something?! Those security guys must all come from the same contractor because CBS, which is really honing in on their hard-news-only differentiator, was already on the alert and I wasn’t even allowed within a block of their broadcast center. Damned face-recognition software!

I’d hoped I’d at least gotten enough attention to wangle an interview with Katie Couric, but no one would take my call.  I didn’t even get a bleep on NY1, which should have been a walkover.

Oh well. Nothing ventured…

One idea down. Nine more to go!