5 Best-Sellers I’ll Never Write

The only thing between me and and a best-seller is that the things I want to write about don’t seem to interest that many other people. And with so few hours of the week for writing (all that nasty  making a living keeps getting in the way), I can only make myself sit down to write about something that really grabs me.

That said, I know I COULD write a best seller…

The Goya Encryption

The day after Thanksgiving, a shriek rings out on Madison Avenue when Barney’s “The Nude in Art” holiday windows are unveiled.  Sprawled on a divan, in the tribute to Francisco Goya’s “Maja,” is the body of a window dresser who died after managing to scrawl “Make it Work“ on the glass in his own blood.  Interpreting this as a message to Project Runway’s Tim Gunn, who has mysteriously disappeared, NY Culture Squad detective Tiffany Glasz partners with the window dresser’s handsome model/protegee to solve both mysteries. They find themselves plunged into a hidden international world of codes, secrets and a shocking secret society of vampires to which Goya himself belonged.

The Sorority

Housed in a women’s residence in Foggy Bottom, The Sorority is a secret society of righteous Christian babes, recruited by Phyllis Schlafly and groomed to inveigle their way into U.S. political dialogue.  Following extreme surgical intervention, and at great risk to her own life, Huffingtonpo reporter Shifra Goldstein went undercover and actually lived within The Sorority for a year.  Her first-hand report rips the roof off the incubator that begat everyone from Anita Bryant to Carrie Prejean, not to mention roguish big gun, Sarah Palin.

Barry, I Am Your Father

 The true story that finally puts to rest all the rumors, while simultaneously explaining everything! Barak and Michelle Obama are both actually androids, created in a secret laboratory at Skywalker ranch and programmed by George Lucas according to the ur-mythos described by Joseph Campbell in Hero With a Thousand Faces.  This behind-the-scenes look at Lucas’ greatest saga ever will enthrall politicos and film buffs alike.

Amit, Amish

Ten years ago, the CIA’s covert Operation Ploughshare raided a number of radical madrashes in a country designated only as “I___” and relocated the young students to the USA.  Determined to separate the boys from explosive vehicles, and consulting with a crack team of pop psychologists who theorized that the alienated youths required a firm religious structure, the operation placed them with Amish families in Intercourse, PA.   This heartwarming inspirational tale is told from the POV of one such boy, Amit, who used his rumspringa to write the book at an internet cafe, in the hope that his words would reach from his My Space page to give hope to other children like himself.


In the tradition of Carl Hiaasen and Elmore Leonard, this wacky thriller follows former-Lehman-Brothers-Managing-Director,  turned hit-man, Albert “Bucky” Finster on a roller-coaster ride from the canyons of Wall Street to the Hills of Beverly, with a quick jaunt down the Vegas Strip and a paddleboat chase through a Carolina swamp.  Having already lost the retainer on bad penny stocks and a night at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, Bucky is desperate to deliver on his first hit.  When his target, the mysterious Woman in Mauve, turns the tables and starts hunting him, hilarity ensues.